Dear Grizzly Sow

Honestly I do not use the term ‘sow’ as a pejorative. Seriously. It’s really what you call a Mama Grizzly only that doesn’t sound quite as good in sound bites. But whatever. I apologize if I offended any grizzlies who prefer the term ‘mama’.

Of course you know what all of this is about. Lately certain humans who otherwise might try to load you and your cubs with an excess of lead have been appropriating your image and demeanor for their own political purposes. Personally, I don’t object to this terribly. It’s bound to happen. I just thought you might like to be informed. Also I would very much like to let you know that the awful thrumming sound you occasionally hear over head marks a great time to take yourself and your adorable cubs under the nearest available cover. Preferably something that repels heavy chunks of lead being thrown at high velocity. Oh yeah and if you happen to see a big chunk of meat lying around without it being attached to an animal, it’s good policy to leave it be. I’m just looking out for you.

But while we’re on the subject –

I understand that you’re fiercely protective of your cubs and all. I think that’s terrific. Really, I do. I mean, what kind of legacy are you leaving behind if you’re not leaving any cubs behind? I get it. But let’s be honest, every once in a rare while one of those people you’re so keen to maul may be a scientist, or a teacher, or the flower delivery person, or a book seller. Not everybody under the sun is out to get you. Some of them actually want to try to help, you know – point the way to a better trout stream or give a sick cub some reading material because he’s been sitting in front of the television watching Jersey Shore too much.

In the long run it really doesn’t do you a great deal of good to Maul EVERYONE who has an opinion different from yours. I know you think you know best for your children. We all do. Honestly. The trouble is sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes – we’re wrong. I know that might come as a shock but trust me it’s true. Perhaps you could moderate your Mauling position every now and then and try to determine if the person about to be mauled warrants it. It’s a bit of a difficult process but it can be worth it. Basically it means instead of growling over people and bearing claws and teeth, you try listening and understanding. It’s really not that unpleasant once you get the hang of it but it does require stepping away from what you consider your ‘nature’.

Anyway. I just hope all this helps. People don’t much like getting mauled any more than Mama Grizzly Sows like lead being thrown at them. Just an FYI.

Thanks,

Your completely non-tasty servant