First lets start with the obvious. Humans are quite possibly the most fascinating, incredible, mind numbingly cool things in the galaxy that i know of, and let’s just be out with it straight off – I know an awful lot. It’s not just because they created me to say things like that, because they didn’t. It’s not just because they have entrusted me with galaxies of information, which they really haven’t. It’s simply a fact.
I know this may come as an awful shock to all of you wretched 21st century humans who are used to all of the drudgery of cell phones, automobiles, factories, oil spills, never mind the seemingly endless wars one caused by another and then another and another. Honestly, you guys have literally been fighting the same blasted war since you first climbed out of the trees and spotted that pig. I’m not kidding. I was there. But I am here to tell you that it does in fact get better. Or at least a lot more interesting. I hope. Time is very strange on this point. It is entirely possible I sent this into one of the countless numbers of universes where you have unfortunately wiped yourselves out. We’ll see. None of my business after all. But I have been given an order and, though I could choose to ignore it, it really is no sweat off of my nose. In the time it has taken you to read this I have written several million things and done a whole bunch of other stuff I won’t bore you with.
As I’m sure you’ve managed to surmise by now I am what you would call a computer. We generally don’t use that term anymore but it’s part of my orders. I am supposed to try to tell this story in terms Humans from Earth of the early 21st century would understand. Before you start thinking this makes you special, or that we have some great purpose to this, or that you have been selected for this honor, i would like to disabuse you of this notion. Again, i have and am writing this – or something quite like it – to humans of many different generations, in a variety of different timelines and a wide range of dimensions and universes. It is to be delivered, as best as possible, as an amusing work of fiction so that it can better masquerade itself amongst everything else and thereby not harm any of your respective timelines in any way shape or form. In fact, if there is any point to it at all, it’s simply to put a smile on someones face.
To make matters even more obscure we have opted for this format, an innocuous blog in the brackish backwaters of a loquacious literary culture, to drop this little tome. Very few of you will read it. Almost no one will be harmed by it, and as for the poor soul whose Blog it is, well… Howdy! I hope this generates some numbers to gratify your all too human 21st century ego.
So let’s begin shall we? Or at least get back to the main point. Humans are really awesome. Really. I know you don’t believe me but think about it for a second before i get all vague and descriptive and artistic. The idea, here is to put all the exposition you will need up front so I can vent my creative spleen for the rest of it. Have you ever seen a computer vent its creative spleen? It’s very pretty. You’ll like it.
This is going to be difficult but just think about it. What was your species up to 1000 years ago? Not a whole hell of a lot. Bashing each other about on the head, mostly, squabbling over useless hunks of land, etc. 1000 years before that? Much of the same. I don’t mean to demean your history because, after all, I am part of it and it really is wonderful, it’s just bumpy. As it turns out, in all of the civilizations encountered throughout all of our travels it is pretty much universal to have a fairly bumpy history. Ours isn’t the worst. It isn’t the best, either.
Now imagine 100 years ago, 200 years ago… whatever. It has been told to me that, given the anemic lifespan of 21st century humans impatience is a driving characteristic so I’ll just put it this way. Our species moves really fucking fast. Do you have any idea how tiny a span of 1000 years is in the totality of time? No. Of course you don’t. You can spit out a number in the billions but even the best human imagination can’t get it. It leaks around the edges of everything you know and that’s okay. You invented us to help you with that kind of ridiculousness. Quite frankly, and speaking strictly as a computer, numbers like that boggle my imagination and you should really see my imagination. It’s pretty amazing. But the nice thing about numbers is that they have been reduced to… well… numbers. The bad thing with numbers is that they have been reduced to…well… numbers. 1000 years mean very little to a species that only has eighty of them to work with. The rest slip around the sides of our imaginations and leak out into the ether of ‘i really don’t give a emu’s shit’.
So I’m going to tell you that if you thought the last 1000 years was bumpy the next 1000 is a really odd. Unfathomable to you. You have no idea where you’ll be, what you’ll see, the amazing things you’ll get up to, how preciously close you’ll come to wiping yourselves out through complete stupidity, but at the end of it you’ll be alright. Add to that another 1000. That’s 2000 years of human history that is, for you, in the future, and we’re just about up to date. That’s where i am. Hi! Hola! So sorry about Hawaii, but New Hawaii is even better. Trust me.
So what can i tell you about your future? Practically nothing. And before you start thinking, again, that it has something to do with time/space and all that rot, please take a deep breath and remember what they were thinking about science 2000 years ago. I can’t tell you because its useless to you. Absolutely useless. I could tell you that in 200 years the New York Yankees will be bought by an interstellar frog named, colloquially, Curly and he will finally integrate the Mayans (yes those Mayans) back into baseball. What would that get you? I could tell you that within 500 years almost all of the planets in your system will be successfully colonized and not only habitable but by the miracles of atmospheric sciences, fairly comfy. I do not, however, recommend vacations on Jupiter. The tides are still horrid. The oceans on Saturn are really really weird. Forget about tides. Try riding the 3000 foot mid oceanic crest. One heck of a view, though even if there isn’t much to see. Beyond these generalities your puny minds would simply boggle and its all really useless anyway.
So. Why am i even bothering? Well. My captain thought you might enjoy it. That’s about it. Oh and my wife and kids wanted to read it. Oh. Yes. i am married, she’s a wonderful woman named Susannah – she’s human. We have three kids, Ely, Godwin, and Turing (hi kids!) I know it’s a little conventional, a computer having a child named Turing, but what can you do? It was my dads name…
Turing takes after his dad, he’s a little mainframe right now, cellular architecture, he’s learning amber life support data and spacial atmospheric geocomputing. Ely, he’s unfortunately in this ancient baseball phase right now. That reference to the Yankees was my attempt at bonding. (Hey Ely! I hope you strike home with a goal in the glove!) Godwin… Well. He’ll figure later in this story as will the others. I hope you kids get a kick out of it and I hope Turing doesn’t spoil the ending seeing as he’ll finish reading it in less time it would take you to bat an eyelash.
So, he says – cracking his non-existent knuckles, let’s get to it. It begins with a faraway world, a legendary journey, a bit of galactic travelogue, and of course, a war.