Monthly Archives: June 2010

Humans From Earth pt./stanza/chapter/act 1/3/1/1

Ahh… What a day. I’m very proud of Turing today. He planted his first Biolcellular database today. Granted, it’s on the defense grid but those little storage pods are all sunk into the soil and on their way. All we need to do is plug in the sun and jack in the Planet Whisper Avatar and those little buds should blossom in about a week. Their pretty tasty too. cook them up in a little olive oil, seasoned with some data bonding salt and you don’t even lose any information, you just return it in the fertilizer.

Well. Honestly this is dependent on him, or one of his transfer bots not accidentally overwatering them. That would be a shame. You should see him. He’s beaming – at least for a computer he’s beaming. Alright, to be honest i thought i detected a slight grin on Transfer Bot 32 as it passed me doing the breast stroke earlier. But that’s like doing the Macarena for a teenaged computer. They do still have the Macarena don’t they?

Okay. I promised the Travellogue. At least i think i did. My Transfer Bots #57-61 are all working on some weeds in a subsection of one of my processors so i’m just a shade foggier than usual. Also i have decided to actually physically type this so, for the moment anyway, you can call me Ned.

Where were we? Oh yes. The beginning and coincident end of the Monday War.

Well. For about two hundred or so years after the end of the Monday War we, meaning the humans left in the solar system, pretty much minded our own business. We got reacquainted with the worlds we inhabited, we took up alot of Gardening and then there were the advancements in telecommunications, computing and consciousness. I would get into these a little more but frankly i am losing audiences daily and i can’t imagine any of it is terrifically rivetting stuff. Not to mention, having now rewritten this entire novel three times already because of the connection getting lost, i am getting frustrated with repeating myself.

At the end of the two hundred years of blissful peace and quiet our respective races and the planet itself decided it was time to stretch it’s legs a bit. In the absense of all that noise and junk and people we had all gotten really good at solving problems and inventing things. Many of these things were gardening related – the new tomatos, for instance. We had discovered a method by which we could tap into a tomato and ask it what configuration of DNA it would prefer and what would be the best tasting configuration and then we all together began growing them. Apparently tomatos always wanted to look more like peaches and had long wished to dangle free on tree branches. It also turns out that this makes one wickedly good marinara, not to mention a weapon of incalculable power – but more on that later.

We had also discovered some new ways to travel. Truth be told we had undiscovered ways to travel. It seems in the absence of having dicatorships to flee from or having anywhere we really needed to be on time we all began walking alot more. Walking was very nice, you got to see all sorts of things, listen to your thoughts, breathe clean air, and chat with the occasional squirrel. The trouble with walking was that you were fairly isolated to local areas of walking. You could take a vehicle and cross the planet in seconds but people hated doing it and in fact, by this point, most interplanetary craft were rusting quietly away or recycled into pieces of our homes. Of course there were the transport craft and trade craft, flown occasionally when someone on Mars had a particularly interesting potato chip they had grown into the shape of a evergreen tree, or when a favorite chihuahua memorized Shakespeare. Walking was pretty much it. We discovered, after living thousands of years trying to go faster and faster that really it was more rewarding to go slowly.

This brings us to the Leafdrive. The leafdrive was the next phase of interstellar travel, only no one knew it at the time. Basically you take a supercoded leaf with dimensional maps and realtime weather patterns, you fold it from where you are to where you want to go and you’re there, without so much as breaking your stride. Of course its a great deal more complicated than that, involving impossible computations of scale, physiognamy, science, religion and a fair share of aesthetics which – when it gets to the gigantic scale of the leaf drive are all more or less the same thing anyway.

Pretty soon people were walking, literally, everywhere. You’d leave your Underwater Manhattan coral apartment and walk straight onto the face of the moon, play a round of speed golf, bash a caddy or two, then walk to the central forest of Mars for dinner with your kids who just got done with a ball game on Io.

Which, finally, brings us to the travellogue.

In 2570 a San Diego Fisherman (there were lots of San Diego fishermen in those days seeing as San Diego was more or less a state of mind in the Pacific Ocean) attached a leaf drive to his interplanetary craft, the SS Horseface. It was a beautiful, crystal clear night and he was just off shore of where Catalina Island might have been had there been a Catalina island and had it still had a shore. He looked into the stars. He played a few notes on a Harmonica which he had never bothered to learn how to play. A Humpback Whale drifted by and said something disparaging into the sonic receptor which was translated, roughly into ‘get lost.’ The Fisherman looked at the whale, who might have shrugged had it had shoulders capable of such things.

“Do you really think so?” He said back into the sonic emitter.

The whale would have shrugged again. “Why not?”

The Fisherman, we’ll call him Nuggin, nodded and closed the capsule on the boat. After consulting with a few anxious rhododendrons they all plotted a course well out of walking range and without much further ado or fanfare the next great era of exploration had begun.

Somewhere near our solar system, though farther out than any of our colonists had wound up, Nuggin winked back into existence. Talking about it later, he would say it felt like the Universe was saying to him and his supercomputing rhododendrons “Congrats, You finally did it! Now check this out. It’s really really cool.”

And it was.

Nuggin, who would not be seen on Earth again for nearly 20 years had popped up – quite accidentally at the mouth of what we’ve come to call the Oxford Rift. Imagine, if you will, the Grand Canyon. Now, make all the rock into brilliantly colored gas. Imagine it looks more like a rainbow made of clouds or a cloud made of rainbows. Sitting still in space at the mouth of it, you can watch the gases cool, heat up, charge, and then cool again, gravity causes interesting tides in it and the tides cause parts of it to swirl and super high speeds which we’ve now come to think of as really ponderously slow.

The Rift is hundreds of light years long but it is a segment of a nebula that is thousands of light years across and which is itself pretty amazing, though mostly a uniform shade of yellow with bits of cool blue streaking through. Throughout the Rift, all along the walls of the trench are systems and planets, some of them perfectly designed to create the most amazing Wow spot. In fact, for a few centuries before our arrival the denizens of the Rift would have wars to determine who had the best location for views. These weren’t wars as you know them, of course. They were more like design wars but even they could get fairly vicious with all of the sabotage and espionage that occured.

To say its spectacular is to say that the Grand Canyon is a pothole. Which – in terms of planetary geography it sort of is but i know you folks have strong feelings about it so let’s just let it go. The first system you come to is, well, we call it Heaven. It sits about midway up on the opening of the rift and they have the best seafood. Seafood so good it will actually kill you with joy which is really a shame because with all of the excess water Earth ended up subjecting itself to we thought we had a lock on it. Oddly enough there isn’t a drop of water on Heaven. Instead the crustaceans swim around in a soupy delicious brine of Gasses. The people who live there (no we did not call them Angels) were crustacean like themselves but prided themselves the kings of hospitality, a title we later stole from them without them minding one bit. They were the Thread. Or so it was translated to us later. They stood ten feet tall, had four thin exoskeletal arms and would have looked really frightening to the colonists had they met them. But really they were wonderful. The only thing you do not want to do on Heaven is eat the bread. Not because its bad but because it is rude to the yeast and because the yeast will give you the worst drunk you’ve ever had in your life. People have said that the bread will leave you so drunk that you will be incurably hungover for at least three reincarnations and then the karmic reaction from being so rude to the yeast will last another five.

From there Nuggin travelled a dozen or more planets. What was most remarkable was how there was life on every one. We had long suspected that it was possible and in fact probable that there was life out there somewhere but no one was prepared for how much there was and how prevalent it was. It seemed to be everywhere, even on rocky husks of planets. Conciousness was found and heard everywhere and most of it was shockingly nice. Particularly there in the Rift.

You see, what had happened was that Nebula that had created and protected the Rift had released gasses that assembled an abundance of life throughout a number of systems. Though the systems had different planets and different environments, life had developed in remarkably similar ways and at a similar pace, thus – when one civilization set off to explore its little corner of the rift, it invariably ran into another civilization about to do the same. After a few misspent centuries where one world tried to prove how awesome it was to others they cooled down and came to deliberately and purposefully enjoy each other. But even so they had met no one like us.

But our story does not take us into the Rift, unfortunately. I just wanted to present this as a segment because it will be useful when we get to the meat of the story which is coming next.

One last thing about the Rift though. Okay two. First if you ever get the chance, and i know you never will, check out Zarkins Loft on Thrum 3. It’s halfway in on the left bank of the Rift, sitting right above the little Nitrogen tributary. They have this sandwich made of angelfood cake and Zeppleberries that you will simply not believe and they make this lovely little candle that, when it sings, produces the famed Angel Fish. Really beautiful to watch, it’s even better to Be the candle.

The Second thing is the Golg. At the far end of the Rift, in fact in space at the far end and not even a part of it, sits the planet and system of Rex the eighth. Home of the Golg. A race of war like, club smashing, hedonists who delight in things blowing up and think violence is the best sport in existence. They also happen to be Humanities best friends and allies in all of known space. Really really nice when you feed them some Bread of Heaven.

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Categories: Science Fiction | 1 Comment

The A Team and Ninja Assasin

The A Team

Right. I promised everyone who gives a poop on Facebook two movie reviews and an update on the fiction and by gum i aim to hold to that promise even if the quality suffers because of sleepy eyes. Here goes. It’s a little rushed. I’m not pausing to edit.

The A Team is pretty much exactly what you would expect. If you are stupid enough to expect any more than you’re probably a professional grouch and i already don’t like you. It’s an over the top action fest with caricature acting, meagre plot, thin storyline and who cares? It’s the A TEAM!!!!

Okay. So it isn’t the original A Team. That said the substitutes for the original cast are spot on perfect. Bradley Cooper is probably the only human smarmy looking enough to play Face (my favorite character from the original) and he does it well, exuding the smug pretty boy perfectly. Charlto Copley as Murdock is an absolutely inspired choice. We last saw him in the (still) underrated District 9. He effortlessly makes the transition to bigger budget american action reboot, flowing into the formidable shoes of Dwight Schultz as if they were left for him.

Insofar as nothing in this film actually works in anything approaching reality its a terrific film. Definately worth the ticket. What it aspires to do, creating intriguing and intricate plans that unfold on the screen, it fails at but it’s just so much cinematic fun i didn’t really care. It doesn’t aim at being deep. It aims at being entertaining and it pays off. Even Liam Neeson chomps the cigar of Hannibal Smith like a pro. I don’t know what he’s been doing with his career lately – it often seems like he’s completely gone off the rails of the usual solid, stoicism we’ve come to expect from him – but it’s working. For me at least.

Honestly, he has no business being go0d in the films he’s being good at. Whether it is robbing the scenery of a bloated and otherwise horrifyingly awful greek epic or ruthlessly stalking down kidnappers in another underrated gem, it seems to be working. It’s as if he’s just daring Hollywood to come up with a ridiculous character he can’t play well.

All told, there’s nothing i can say about the plot or the mise en scene or anything that would be worth my time to write. If you are thinking of buying a ticket to analyze these things in the A Team i can recommend a dozen or more things to do with your money that would be more worth your time. This is not a movie for analyzing, if i haven’t said it already, it’s a movie for smiling at and enjoying. You may not remember anything about it tomorrow except a vague sense of profound satisfaction.

four (qualified) stars out of five

Ninja Assasin –

Okay. This movie is FREAKING AWESOME!!!! And i hesitate to use multiple exclamation marks in anything but as long as i am indulging my inner 13 year old i might as well go whole bloody hog with it.

When i say awesome i mean AWESOME! This is the ninja movie every nerd has been waiting for, Black pajama clad nightmares oozing from shadows, absurd geysers of blood spraying abstract paintings of mayhem and vengeance upon a visually stunning landscape. It’s fairly clear that the only direction this franchise can possibly go is down so let’s just enjoy it while we can.

As with the A Team there is nothing redeeming about the  plot but what do you need? They’re NINJAS! Did i mention this movie has ninjas? I cannot stress that enough. Have you ever wanted to see the mystical martial arts nightmare separate the limbs from twelve men without them actually laying eyes on their executioner? Yes. Of course you did. You too attempted to creep from the shadows. You too hid in the tiny sliver of darkness, waiting for your older brother to walk by before jumping out and severing his head from his… i mean scaring him alot.

Perhaps this isn’t quite as gorgeously epic as Kill Bill but then, what is? I will say that i would be shocked if Quentin Tarentino didn’t watch this movie at least once and probably with a big goofy grin on his face. I would put good money on him saying ‘awesome’ at least once during his private screening. Perhaps this isn’t The House of Flying Daggers or Hero but it they share an ancestry and its a proud and often maligned one. One where sense goes out the window in favor of exceptional stylism.

Four out of five. Definately not for the kids. Geysers of blood. There hasn’t been this much blood since the Death Pit scene in Army of Darkness. (or maybe the house of blue leaves from Kill Bill)

Categories: Movies | 2 Comments

Humans From Earth pt./stanza/chapter/act 1/2/1/1

Okay. Sorry for the delay. I know time is precious to you humans from way back but i hope you will understand that it is really hard, even for me, to coordinate the tachyon pulse just right – particularly with the wonky way the wormholes have been behaving ever since the… well… who cares anyway? Let’s just say its hard. I know that patience is not yet one of your many virtues but hopefully in the process of evolving it you can cut this humble narrator just a little slack.

So. Where was i? Oh yes.

It was a Sunday. Now that’s a nice start. Of course it’s ridiculous but it was a sunday at least on one part of earth which is all that matters. For purposes of relative brevity it had long been decided that the regions of the solar system known as Gravity Wells (your science already knows about these things – you can look them up if you want to.) would correspond to the region of earth that was, at that time, the most important – by which i mean Florida of course. So, because it was Sunday in Florida it was Sunday at the Gravity Well where an enormous spacecraft hovered.

And what an amazing Sunday it was. Arrayed around the gigantic spaceship – which looked an awful lot like a giant rock – were millions of smaller craft, shuttles carrying multicolored banners, embarking craft, sleek and pointy luxury liners, zippy little speeders, boxy commuter craft. There were ships of all sizes, colors and nationalities. The entire population of earth and the surrounding planets were in attendance. Startled animals, left planetside, blinked around in stunned relief for a few minutes, sighed happily and began to behave as they always wanted to – not knowing that people would return after the festivities had ended.

The gigantic rock stood there, near the sun, it’s various embedded minerals giving it just the slightest shimmer. A gigantic diplomatic craft, dwarfed of course by the giant rock, unfurled a brilliant multicolored banner that read simply “good luck, colonists!”

Suddenly, over the loudspeakers and stereo systems of every ship in the flotilla, and therefore heard by every human in attendance came the unmistakable tune “Free Bird” preserved and handed down through the centuries as the quintessence of 20th century rock ballads. Every human stood and looked out their windows at the giant craft. There were many tears.

A brief announcement was made, given by the Glorious President of Florida who had just consolidated his power in time to lose 3/4ths of his population in one go. It was clear that he was sniffling through the speech. After all what was the use of power if there were so few left to wield power over? He wished them well. He wished them speed, which he knew they wouldn’t have, he wished them a grand and glorious trip of brilliant exploration – also not very likely given the direction they were headed. Then, in one last exercise of his now thoroughly whittled power, he gave the order to start the engines.

There was an all too brief moment of fanfare – every human in the solar system, except the incorrigibly grumpy ones, cheered. It was like the whole human race all polished off a shot of tequila in unison at the greatest of frat parties ever and then the great rock hurled itself out of sight in a blink.

Light speed is really fast as I’m sure you know. The colony ships, made of hollowed out asteroids and comets, carrying the incredible machinery of world building, moved at slightly faster than light. This would have been very inconvenient for time, as you know, had it not been discovered that a sort of gravity well was created around a ship whenever the engines were activated. It was a fortuitous byproduct of the faster than light engines and their combustion, what that meant was that time, relative as it was and indifferent to pretty much anything, stood still within the field. Whatever was within the field would stay relative to it’s original time. This made things very convenient for communication, not to mention calendars.

The ship blinked out of the system after several hours (even at faster than light it took some time to clear the vast scope of our local system) All along the route, ships from every planet came out to see the streak as it dashed by. They waved. They said goodbye. They teared up a little. The ship slipped past Neptune and out of humanity.

Everyone breathed a huge sigh of relief, except – of course – the president of Florida. Three days later he would resign and retire to the underwater metropolis of Key West, to live out the rest of his days as a hermit on the Coral Reef. occasionally people would go out to visit him, seeking some wisdom of the lessons of power, but he would only mutter bitterly about dictatorships that should have been and would never be again. As it turns out this was his greatest gift to us. He was absolutely correct. Never would there be another dictatorship on earth. No one would ever replace the president of Florida, in fact – in the absolute vacuum of power humanity (or what was left of it) realized shockingly quickly that it had had quite enough of such things and unanimously voted to abolish every form of government, including voting.

The year was 2356. A sunday that would have gone down in history had people not decided, just as unanimously, that history was a huge mistake and they’d be much better off if they simply forgot about it.

The earth was in pretty sad shape. It had gotten fairly watery over the years, even more watery than it should have been due some unfortunate incidents with wayward comets who had become far too curious about how its gravity felt. It had groaned for a long time under the weight of the human race, who seemed content to beat the shit out of it. It had tolerated all of this with but a few fits of pique. Every so often it had stood up for itself, generated a plague, raised a sea level unexpectedly, shucked off a few million in a swath of destruction, but for the most part it had sighed, been patient and waited for this moment which it had known was coming since the first ape had picked up a bone and smashed it over the head of another ape. If anyone had sighed with contentment at the sudden vanishing of a billion of its former residents, it was the earth.

This time, however, someone was listening. Many someones. In fact, every remaining human in the system heard the earth sigh and that was what caused the universal sigh of relief as they watched the big rock hurl itself with finality into the vastness of space. Even the inhabitants of the rock felt it only they mistook it for relief from getting away from those poor backwards souls they left behind and the diseased battered watery wreck they once called home.  

The small craft, shuttles, speeders, commuters returned home, contented. People parked in their old spots, looked down at the suddenly empty residential block, smiled and began gardening. The animals looked around, blinked, and went about their business knowing – somehow – that things would never be the same again and that wasn’t a bad thing.

Granted there were still billions of humans in the system. Billions is a lot. But stretch billions over ten planets and you can begin to imagine the vast deep quiet that settled like a soft snow on the human race.

100 years passed quickly, as it really does if you think about things in terms of galactic time. Beams of communication still went out into space, hailing the receding colonists with news of the day which they returned in greater and greater intervals, thinking of the humans left behind as one might think of a cousin on a distant branch of the family tree one wishes one could prune.

As it happens the last communication was received and sent on the same day, a monday. The Captain in charge of colonial communications, a bored and impish gentleman named Rowl, sat in the well decorated booth, looking out at over the gorgeous evergreens splayed along an Alaskan hillside which was finally recovering from thousands of years of collective abuse. He paged through a book of poetry written by a Scotsman in the late 18th century, not understanding a word of it but simply enjoying the look of the letters on the page. A fortuitous breeze blew in the delicate scent of fresh spring pine needles just as the monitor before him blinked red with an incoming message. He’d been monitoring the board mostly out of habit for about ten years, having little else to do but tend his bonsai, remud his palatial clay home, and watch whales pass happily by. He’d come to dread the incoming messages. When they came, which wasn’t often, they were terse boring unpoetic things delivered in the language of glorious exploration. They were the literary equivalents of a badly hewn figurehead cutting through disgusting slime but calling it a wine dark sea.

The message was simple enough. “Passed the colony of Altair Persephone 4. We press forward into the dark, known but to Emperor Floridius II where our path shall lead. May he speed us forever on our gallant journey.” Something in the captain snapped reading it. A whale blew off the beautiful rocky point before him, providing all the commentary and emotion he needed. He typed in the following broadcast known to us in what passes for history (which, by the way is absolutely nothing at all like your history – not even remotely) as The Monday War:

“Under attack by ancient race of interstellar elves! They have destroyed Mars and Io and are beating up Europa real good. Earth is next. Fleet is on the way. We’ll fight them off as long as we can but can’t hold out for long. This is the last message we can send. We don’t want them to find you so I am destroying the relay tower. Good luck brave people from Earth. Remember us.”

What sort of reception this got on the colony ship is not recorded, at least not that we have found yet. Probably the last colony ship, drifting through the Altair Persephone colony just looked at it and shrugged, as glad to be quit of us as we were of them. We do know that the other far-flung human colonies received the same message and, unexpectedly, did exactly nothing. No reinforcements were ever sent, no messages, no nothing, of course at the rate they travelled it wouldn’t have mattered if they had sent someone. They understood that it would take over a hundred years to reach what would be the empty husk of a once vibrant system. What they didn’t understand was just how grateful we were that they never tried.

The captain watched the spray of the whale caught in the late afternoon sunlight, heard a moose call somewhere in the forest, and relaxed back into his chair knowing he’d done the right thing. A few hours later he went downstairs to his wife, who was slapping a new coat of mud on one of the walls. She, like me, was a computer borrowing a synthetic body she’d named Margaret Berger to do some traditional human work. He told her what he had done, expressing just the slightest concern. She kissed him and that was that. The end of the Monday War. The best war humans had never fought.

Okay. In epilogue, before the wormhole hiccups again, I should apologize. I promised the travelogue. It’s sort of travelogue, but next time i promise – seriously – barring any unforseen circumstances like a skewed quark on the randomizer or something i can’t control like Ely taking a sudden interest in the World Cup – that i will tell you of The Baring Rift. It’s one of the most exciting places in the galaxy that i know of. You’ll love it. I’ll try to use a little less exposition again. It’s hard. There’s a ton of material to get through to get to the present. Maybe i’ll fhgguutt=zzt4888844444466666661111111….. Uh oh. 8888880000001111110000009999999…….

Categories: Science Fiction | 3 Comments

Humans From Earth pt./stanza/chapter/act 1/1/1/1 but not necessarily in that order.

Good Old GrandpappyTo Douglas – I’m not happy you’re dead but hope the RPM’s you are about to do don’t make your ghost dizzy. Also, I apologize for that which I may unwittingly steal, borrow, rip off, plagiarise, etc.

First lets start with the obvious. Humans are quite possibly the most fascinating, incredible, mind numbingly cool things in the galaxy that i know of, and let’s just be out with it straight off – I know an awful lot. It’s not just because they created me to say things like that, because they didn’t. It’s not just because they have entrusted me with galaxies of information, which they really haven’t. It’s simply a fact.

I know this may come as an awful shock to all of you wretched 21st century humans who are used to all of the drudgery of cell phones, automobiles, factories, oil spills, never mind the seemingly endless wars one caused by another and then another and another. Honestly, you guys have literally been fighting the same blasted war since you first climbed out of the trees and spotted that pig. I’m not kidding. I was there. But I am here to tell you that it does in fact get better. Or at least a lot more interesting. I hope. Time is very strange on this point. It is entirely possible I sent this into one of the countless numbers of universes where you have unfortunately wiped yourselves out. We’ll see. None of my business after all. But I have been given an order and, though I could choose to ignore it, it really is no sweat off of my nose. In the time it has taken you to read this I have written several million things and done a whole bunch of other stuff I won’t bore you with.

As I’m sure you’ve managed to surmise by now I am what you would call a computer. We generally don’t use that term anymore but it’s part of my orders. I am supposed to try to tell this story in terms Humans from Earth of the early 21st century would understand. Before you start thinking this makes you special, or that we have some great purpose to this, or that you have been selected for this honor, i would like to disabuse you of this notion. Again, i have and am writing this – or something quite like it – to humans of many different generations, in a variety of different timelines and a wide range of dimensions and universes. It is to be delivered, as best as possible, as an amusing work of fiction so that it can better masquerade itself amongst everything else and thereby not harm any of your respective timelines in any way shape or form. In fact, if there is any point to it at all, it’s simply to put a smile on someones face.

To make matters even more obscure we have opted for this format, an innocuous blog in the brackish backwaters of a loquacious literary culture, to drop this little tome. Very few of you will read it. Almost no one will be harmed by it, and as for the poor soul whose Blog it is, well… Howdy! I hope this generates some numbers to gratify your all too human 21st century ego.

So let’s begin shall we? Or at least get back to the main point. Humans are really awesome. Really. I know you don’t believe me but think about it for a second before i get all vague and descriptive and artistic. The idea, here is to put all the exposition you will need up front so I can vent my creative spleen for the rest of it. Have you ever seen a computer vent its creative spleen? It’s very pretty. You’ll like it.

This is going to be difficult but just think about it. What was your species up to 1000 years ago? Not a whole hell of a lot. Bashing each other about on the head, mostly, squabbling over useless hunks of land, etc. 1000 years before that? Much of the same. I don’t mean to demean your history because, after all, I am part of it and it really is wonderful, it’s just bumpy. As it turns out, in all of the civilizations encountered throughout all of our travels it is pretty much universal to have a fairly bumpy history. Ours isn’t the worst. It isn’t the best, either.

Now imagine 100 years ago, 200 years ago… whatever. It has been told to me that, given the anemic lifespan of 21st century humans impatience is a driving characteristic so I’ll just put it this way. Our species moves really fucking fast. Do you have any idea how tiny a span of 1000 years is in the totality of time? No. Of course you don’t. You can spit out a number in the billions but even the best human imagination can’t get it. It leaks around the edges of everything you know and that’s okay. You invented us to help you with that kind of ridiculousness. Quite frankly, and speaking strictly as a computer, numbers like that boggle my imagination and you should really see my imagination. It’s pretty amazing. But the nice thing about numbers is that they have been reduced to… well… numbers. The bad thing with numbers is that they have been reduced to…well… numbers. 1000 years mean very little to a species that only has eighty of them to work with. The rest slip around the sides of our imaginations and leak out into the ether of ‘i really don’t give a emu’s shit’.

So I’m going to tell you that if you thought the last 1000 years was bumpy the next 1000 is a really odd. Unfathomable to you. You have no idea where you’ll be, what you’ll see, the amazing things you’ll get up to, how preciously close you’ll come to wiping yourselves out through complete stupidity, but at the end of it you’ll be alright. Add to that another 1000. That’s 2000 years of human history that is, for you, in the future, and we’re just about up to date. That’s where i am. Hi! Hola! So sorry about Hawaii, but New Hawaii is even better. Trust me.

So what can i tell you about your future? Practically nothing. And before you start thinking, again, that it has something to do with time/space and all that rot, please take a deep breath and remember what they were thinking about science 2000 years ago. I can’t tell you because its useless to you. Absolutely useless. I could tell you that in 200 years the New York Yankees will be bought by an interstellar frog named, colloquially, Curly and he will finally integrate the Mayans (yes those Mayans) back into baseball. What would that get you? I could tell you that within 500 years almost all of the planets in your system will be successfully colonized and not only habitable but by the miracles of atmospheric sciences, fairly comfy. I do not, however, recommend vacations on Jupiter. The tides are still horrid. The oceans on Saturn are really really weird. Forget about tides. Try riding the 3000 foot mid oceanic crest. One heck of a view, though even if there isn’t much to see. Beyond these generalities your puny minds would simply boggle and its all really useless anyway.

So. Why am i even bothering? Well. My captain thought you might enjoy it. That’s about it. Oh and my wife and kids wanted to read it. Oh. Yes. i am married, she’s a wonderful woman named Susannah – she’s human. We have three kids, Ely, Godwin, and Turing (hi kids!) I know it’s a little conventional, a computer having a child named Turing, but what can you do? It was my dads name…

Turing takes after his dad, he’s a little mainframe right now, cellular architecture, he’s learning amber life support data and spacial atmospheric geocomputing. Ely, he’s unfortunately in this ancient baseball phase right now. That reference to the Yankees was my attempt at bonding. (Hey Ely! I hope you strike home with a goal in the glove!) Godwin… Well. He’ll figure later in this story as will the others. I hope you kids get a kick out of it and I hope Turing doesn’t spoil the ending seeing as he’ll finish reading it in less time it would take you to bat an eyelash.

So, he says – cracking his non-existent knuckles, let’s get to it. It begins with a faraway world, a legendary journey, a bit of galactic travelogue, and of course, a war.

Categories: Science Fiction | 3 Comments

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